V-Day

It’s been 13 days since my last post and I’ve had 3 ultrasounds, 2 blood draws, a dentist appointment, my first acupuncture visit, started 2 new medications and had a trigger shot.

I. am. exhausted.

My ultrasound on Monday, 2/4/13 showed that my ovaries were progressing slowly once again… meaning for some reason those funny little follicles on your ovaries that get bigger each day and eventually one of them matures and releases an egg… aren’t getting bigger and likely not going to release an egg either. Job well done ovaries! To watch this issue a little closer I returned Friday, 2/8/13 and again they showed slow progression but got the go ahead to start peeing on those fantastic little sticks each morning. If the ovulation kit did not go off I’d return Wednesday, 2/13/13… guess where I was today? This ultrasound showed a large follicle or cyst on my left ovary and a shriveled up follicle on my right (raisin looking follicles are a normal sign of ovulation). BUT – my endometrial layer was still measuring too thin which is contradictory of ovulation (normally thickens the farther along you are in your cycle and with ovulation). So did I or didn’t I? No one knows. SO – here’s to trigger shots (hCG injection which triggers ovulation), estrogen patches (Vivelle-Dot) and 3 days of good old fashioned fun!

In between all of this – I volunteered with some lovely co-workers for an amazing organization (see link), supported the Wisconsin Special Olympics at the Polar Plunge (burr!), heard hubby’s band on the RADIO for the first time!! Then… hubby and I had a great weekend at a 4star hotel downtown Chicago, ate great food, saw great exhibits and walked miles with sore feet. Our return Monday was filled with a very happy dog greeting us at the door, an oil change and a trip to my first acupuncture visit. phew!

downtown Chicago, IL

One Time Hero (hubby’s band!)

one of the Valentine’s boxes put together at the Heart2Heart event

and here is a photo of my daily med schedule… I feel so so dirty.

There are so many other things I could write about tonight but I have to get up in 4.5 hours. I’ll keep this one short and try to be better at updating more regularly. Happy Valentines Day to all or if your single – Happy Vagina Day 🙂

OWWWW!

Well…………. Not much has happened since my last post but I just feel like ranting sooooo…
I REstarted my Lovenox today and (dammit) I hit something. My bruise is the biggest yet and it bled into my other bruises because they just. won’t. go. away. So now I have a black, blue and purple abdomen with a giant knot underneath that hurts like hell. Not to mention the blood that began squirting out of the injection site after I removed the needle.
Self titling this post “OWWWW”.
I’ve come to a couple conclusions… I need help giving my injections now since I no longer have room and can’t see my back side or over my ta-tas to trust myself not to cause bodily harm (get ready husband – you’re up!) And second… I sickeningly missed the injections – as crazy as that sounds during my 6 day lapse. It was ONE thing that was routine every day. But I guess now I’m back at it and that routine too only modified slightly.

I went into Dr. K-K’s office on Tuesday for my monthly 8 tubes of blood to be drawn and return Monday for a cycle ultrasound to see where we’re at… I hope my labs have improved while on Prednisone, Levothyroxine, and Progesterone the past month. Fingers crossed.

I’m also going to see a highly recommended acupuncturist on Monday which I’m honestly very excited about. Expensive but worth it I hope. I knew all those petsitting jobs would come in handy some day 😉

In other news a friends relative that has been MIA for 60 years (Korean War) has been positively identified by dna and returning home next week! AND I’m waiting on pins and needles to see if a friends dream and miracle comes true this week. (Thinking of you B!)

“High Hopes”

“even if you fall on your face, you’re still moving forward”

If you have stumbled upon my page accidentally (like the poor soul who searched for the “unicornuate foothills”… surprise!) or on purpose… I need you to know 3 things:

1)  I write here to SHARE. to let it out. to vent. to release all these emotions.

2)  I NEVER mean to offend, hurt, or gross anyone out (on purpose)

3)  I appreciate your LOVE and support (in any form!)

This is my journey through infertility and having a rare medical anomaly called a unicornuate uterus on top of many other fertility obstacles.

Most of you are probably thinking this is far more information than necessary and others maybe not enough. I have a hard time deciding what to write – who will I offend if I say this or that, whose feelings are going to get hurt? Will my personal/professional relationships be affected? Sometimes I even forget to talk to my family first… sorry!

My last post was up in the air, “a waiting game”… which in a way is over for now but I’ll always be waiting.

I peed on another stick Friday and got = BFN (Big Fat Negative), (–), “NOT Pregnant”, 1 line instead of 2

I was too scared to take a test as soon as I could have so I waited an extra 5 days… the symptoms I experienced were all the same symptoms of 3 different things: pregnancy, . (AF) , and side effects of my meds. Looking back I should have tested the minute I could have because if I was pregnant I was supposed to double my injections and Pred. I’ll be better next month I promise. I was just too scared of failure.

Even if you fall on your face, you’re still moving forward

Victor Kiam

On the positive side I stopped my Lovenox injections and Progesterone. I never thought I’d appreciate my love-handles but they sure came in handy. I restart Lovenox in 4 days but a little break will be nice for the belly and the brain(emotionally). Also, the Progesterone was making me weird: affecting my vision, my brain and mouth refused to cooperate with one another – I was spacey stacey, forgetful, and SO unbelievably tired. I get a 2 week break on this thankfully. I’m continuing the Prednisone and back tomorrow(Monday) for blood work and then another ultrasound a week later. In the meantime I’ll try to stick with the low carb/low sugar diet to help my polycystic ovaries.

There are 2 words that can appropriately describe what I feel right now:  failure and devastation.  I know this will take time and I know what you’re thinking. You can all say that I didn’t fail but in my brain it’s my fault. There are things I should have done better or differently. But then I think that there are people in this world that do everything wrong and still get pregnant so why should it be this hard for me? Why should I have to try so hard, can’t I slip every now and then? There always seems to be something to blame myself for. This is not just me being hard on myself, this is part of the illness. Read any infertility blog out there and we all go through the same things. I’ll say for the millionth time that there are numerous forms of infertility in this world. In the U.S. alone the CDC reports that the number of women ages 15-44 with impaired fecundity (impaired ability to have children) = 6.7 million!

We are all the same in the most important ways – we have the same dream. With this dream comes loneliness, struggle, sadness, fear, desperation and even hopelessness at times.

Long story short… this cycle was a bust but hopes are high

So… until next time…

The Waiting Game

I read the words of a fellow blogger a while back and they have imprinted on my eyelids… Infertility consumes your life. It follows you everywhere and takes part of everything you do.
So True
I took down the Christmas tree today and thought – maybe the next time we do this we’ll have baby? Let’s bring the recliner back downstairs to fill in the space where the tree was – we obviously won’t need it in the bedroom anytime soon. Looking through the Sunday ads there are baby sales everywhere. I need to get a dog gate so the dog can’t get upstairs but I keep calling it a baby gate. Etc etc. And since when did Facebook announce that one of my friends had a baby?

I had an ultrasound on Monday… It was ok. The Lovenox injections are doing what they are supposed to do… marginally. Blood flow to my uterus measured .58 and was .60 last time (measured with Doppler). My ovaries are still covered in cysts so Metformin may be in my future. My thyroid was 2.58 (3.4 previously) and they like it under 2.0 so now I have another new medication: Levothyroxin. Yay. I started peeing on sticks – which is a blast I tell you. Once I get that positive we’re good to go. Then 24-48 hours post ovulation I start Prednisone and Progesterone. Another yay. SO not looking forward to those. Sorry in advance to the hubby!

My next visit to the doctor will be either because I did not ovulate or with a positive pregnancy test – let’s hope it’s the latter. So now we just wait. Waiting is hard. Harder than you’d think. I feel like I’ve already waited long enough. But I’ll continue to be patient.

While I’ve been so patient I’ve found a few gems…
Must Read: “Hopeless” by Colleen Hoover
Must Hear: “Demons” by Imagine Dragons
Must See: “Silver Linings Playbook” by David O’Russell

My new life…

I hate nerves and I have become a very nervous person. This scares the crap out of me which makes me even more nervous which I also know is not good for me or for my baby maker and all that Zen crap which I’m not sure I even believe in. I do know that stress is an issue, MY issue and a very clear one at that.

My husband has always struggled with anxiety and I never really understood – until now. There are times where I’ll be doing something totally normal like washing dishes, driving, watching tv and then suddenly I can’t breathe, my heart races, eyes go white and I feel like I’m going to pass out. I relate this to my new medications and knowing what my body is going through and how this is just the beginning. HOW am I going to function when (IF) I am pregnant and on even MORE medications that will wreak havoc on my body? I knew I could give myself the injections but what I didn’t think about was the mental toll it would take. One week into my once daily Lovenox injections and I was home alone and in the shower before work, looked down and saw blood – a lot of blood. Each of my injection sites were bleeding. Here come those god damn nerves again. I lost it. I then made the mistake of looking online – which in my profession we always curse so I should know better but I was alone at 5am and out of other options. Needless to say this did not help.

I want a baby SO badly but at the same time my mind and body feel so off course and I’ve only just begun. Soon I’ll be doing twice daily injections (I’m already running out of room!), taking 11 pills a day and beginning now I’ll be at the doctor at least once per week. My new life consists of constant nerves (already), timing my medication, trying to find an unbruised spot on my body to inject a terribly burning medication, giving myself a pep talk everyday hoping my husband still finds me attractive with my black and blue belly and also trying to talk myself into thinking that this will all pay off… eventually.

I also feel excitement… We have officially started the process which in the past has always taken a while to do. We’ve lost 3 babies in the past 5 1/2 years. Each one seemed to take a little longer to recover from not including the numerous road blocks in between. This new path gives us hope. Things we haven’t tried before and a new direction to follow.

Last week I went in for blood work (still about the same: everything’s too high and too reactive which the prednisone will hopefully help). Tomorrow I have an ultrasound to see if the Lovenox is helping the blood flow to my uterus and to meet with the doc about the rest of my labs. I’m a little nervous but ready to get this show on the road!

“I’m Fine”

That one ambiguous question… so simple and innocent yet asks for so much more… “How are you?” Great question! In which my usual response is “I’m Fine”. It’s a safe answer. This question could mean so many different things. But …

Arrrr… what?!

The decision has been made… we’re going to try. One more time. We can always adopt but if we’re going to try the time is now. Try being the key word.

My ultrasound was today and there were a few new findings:
1- it seems as if I did not ovulate this month (possibly because my cycle is still off from my surgery a month ago)
2- my endometrial layer is still not measuring where we would like it
3- blood flow to my uterus is not improving much with my meds. But to my uterus’ defense I was told not to start the heparin (Lovenox) until after surgery
4- while measuring the blood flow to my uterus by internal ultrasound using doppler – Nadia, Sweet Nadia, one of the best sonographers ever, asked if I have an arrhythmia What. The. H. I do now!
Funny thing is that they found it through my WhooHa (pardon my french)
So far this entire experience has left me thinking… what in the world are they going to find next?

Plan:
*Go see my family doctor about the arrhythmia
*Start Lovenox injections – I did the first today and totally do-able
*Wait a few cycles before we really start trying (which is good because we just signed up for AFLAC so I can get paid while on bed rest/maternity leave and there’s a 10 month waiting period
*Refill Xanax. Yep, not ashamed. Had 3 panic attacks today. One while loading the car and the dog for a week away, alone. The other 2 while driving there (yikes!) Don’t worry, I called my husband and begged him to talk me down. He did so by telling me a story about a little man named Silverstein who lived in a boot. Crawled out through a lace hole to work at the power plant to power the robots who mined precious metals like ardmium for trade. To be continued…
Never a dull moment and that’s why we work. We are both so weird it’s entertaining 🙂 To us anyway.

To those of you out there spreading the word… Thank You. All I ever wanted was a place to vent and if I helped a single person in any way I’d be pleased. It seems as if I at least get people thinking. It may not seem like much to most of you but it’s an extremely taxing process to go through and talk about later. People can be very supportive, helpful, encouraging, but sometimes cruel without realizing. You battle so many emotions at the same time it’s difficult NOT to have a panic attack 🙂

And the verdict is…

…hung jury…

Good news is… I got a new iPad because my husband feels bad for me 🙂
Bad news is… Things didn’t stay as positive as we were hoping.
I’m still processing everything and honestly I don’t remember all the details. Very long story short my lab results showed 3 other gene mutations on top of MTHFR – all having to do with blood clotting… All not good. There are some concerns with hormone production due to these gene mutations. I have Very poor blood flow to my unusually small uterus combined with irregular uterine structure. Labwork also reported a vitamin D deficiency and a possible thyroid issue. My TSH (Thyroid Stimulating Hormone) was normal but for pregnancy they like the number to be 2.0 or less and I have a 3.3 so the doctor ordered a thyroid ultrasound which showed that I have some pretty good sized nodules on each side (still waiting for results from the radiologist). Dr. Kwak-Kim also has a system of rating your reproductive system and out of 21 points (21 being good) I have a 7.
So on top of my uterus being small, my clotting issues, vitamin deficiency, polycystic ovary syndrome, possible thyroid issue and recurring pregnancy losses she still believes that I can carry a baby. The question is how long and how healthy will both of us be? The doc also ordered another HSG (saline ultrasound) where they make you sign scary forms about surgery and risks and then put strange objects in strange places, fill the uterus with saline and then ultrasound it to see your uterine structure and lining. During the ultrasound I hear “what is that?” and “that’s interesting” and “I’ve never seen that before”. All things that you really want to hear when your mind is already whirling with negativity, doubt and “OMG, I’m going to loose it any second now so hurry up”. Turns out my uterus is harboring some very irregular tissue and a possible calcification of some sort which formed within the last 5 months.
Now we’ve put the brakes on everything while we figure this part out which means surgery again and puts me at my 4th D&C. Once this is done we have to wait at least a month and then go back for another ultrasound before we talk next steps. She already had me start on several new medications however…

Prenatal Vitamins
Baby Aspirin (helps with clotting)
Metanx (vitamin B supplement since my gene mutation prevents activating folic acid into VitB)
Vitamin D
Vitamin E
Antibiotics
Prednisone (steroid to help with hormone production)
Calcium (supplement while on Pred as it can deplete bones of Ca)
Lovenox Injections (heparin – blood thinner)
Crinone (progesterone supplement)
Low Carb diet (helps with polycystic ovary syndrome, PCOS)

I’m not even sure I got all of this right. My mind is running laps 24/7 around what to do. I know we should try again but is all of this worth it without a guarantee? What if something happens to the baby or me? What if I get put on bed rest early on? Are we prepared to have weekly blood draws and ultrasounds every couple weeks? The meds already make me sick… Can I handle that along with possible morning sickness and fatigue? What if I can’t handle this emotionally? Are we spending thousands of dollars on this treatment when we could be saving for surrogacy or adoption? The list goes on and on…

We’ll start with surgery… see what that results in and go from there. That’s all we can do at this point. This leads me towards adoption more and more. As I try to stay positive for myself, my husband, and our families I cannot help the fact that I already feel exhausted and utterly drained. It’s hard to sound upbeat and positive in this post because this is my way of getting it all out… Therapy if you will – I’d owe you thousands of dollars! So I apologize for the frowning and sad faces that I bestow amongst you.

I am again so extremely thankful for our amazing family, supportive friends, cooperative co-workers and a wonderful team of doctors and their staff for holding my hand through it all.

Now I’m going to play with my new iPad and relax. I’ll update you all as soon as I understand more myself 🙂