It’s been a couple weeks… I didn’t know what to do, write or say.
Truth is that I peed on a stick the day after my last post and got the faintest of lines on a pregnancy test. So light that I didn’t even tell husband. The next day the same… not any darker. Still didn’t believe it so I went in for bloodwork. While at the doctor they did a pregnancy test in the office = negative. Shortly after I left the office I got a call from the nurse saying she was about to throw out the test and she also saw a very faint line! Holy Balls guys! Could this be possible?! As you recall from my last post we thought that cycle was a bust so we stopped trying. We were told to do the baby dance on such and such days but we didn’t. We quit. I relaxed. Had fun. Stopped worrying. I’ve known I was pregnant for about 2 weeks. I didn’t write anything because I wanted to see what happened. I felt bad for my fellow infertiles who have been struggling and I wasn’t ready to announce it to the world just yet. I’m still not ready but I felt like a fraud lying when people asked. I still will not announce it… the only ones that know are close family, a handful of people at work and now whoever reads this post.
Now, before you say I told you so (“stop trying, relax and it will happen”) please understand that those words are impossible for an infertile to comprehend and sometimes even painful. Relaxing is nearly impossible. Trying not to worry is so far out of reach. You try so hard every month just to fail in the end and then to stop trying and it miraculously happens just kind of pisses you off after trying so hard for so long. Not that this pregnancy isn’t welcomed and a blessing. I’m amazed. We finally got our happy beginning, our positive. We were in shock. The doctor was even surprised.
My first beta hCG was 39. Low and freshly pregnant. Repeat bhCG 2 days later was 89, then 150, 289, 716… “reassuring results” said the doctor. In the middle of being poked with needles every other day I had my first ultrasound. This ultrasound was uneventful but my uterine lining was on track with pregnancy (thanks to the estrogen patches), my NK cells, progesterone, etc where all surprisingly the best they’ve been in months, and my blood flow to my uterus was improving on twice daily Lovenox injections. Sidebar – to add to anxiety of the now twice daily injections… insurance will not let me refill my Lovenox until the day I need it. What if I were going out of town? What if I mucked up an injection and had to toss it and start over since they’re pre-loaded? What if I can’t get to the pharmacy before they close? Oh, but I can refill it before they allow it for $2,238.59. Ha ha ha). Anyway, the doctor said it was probably just too early to see anything on ultrasound and since I ovulated so late we have absolutely no idea when we actually conceived. The plan was to start weekly ultrasounds and labwork the following week (this week). So…
Today I had another ultrasound (10 days later). Today we saw nothing. The doctor who did the ultrasound told me that without knowing how far along I am it’s still possible it’s just too early. I could be anywhere between 5-8 weeks. She told me not to worry. Ha! there’s that evil word again. I got dressed, they stole more blood from my veins and I sat and waited for the doctor. I was pulled back into ultrasound a while later to “double check” something they saw… false alarm. I got dressed again and the doctor came in. She had “the look”. The look that says I’m sorry without actually saying it. She explained that with my hCG levels where they are she expected to see something on ultrasound, at least a gestational sac. There’s always a chance it is obscured but that damn ultrasound probe was up there a long time (twice!) and nothing. She said the viability for this pregnancy is poor. Pregnancy number 4. She talked to me about the possibility of this being an ectopic pregnancy. I’ve had no pain or spotting (Lie. I cramped the other night but ignored it). The doc explained NOT to ignore future pain, ectopic pregnancies can be very dangerous and that she is contacting my RE and my regular ob-gyn to let them know my current situation because they do not perform surgery and she was concerned about their availability if I end up in the ER.
So after I cry and consider the truth of the situation I call husband. He doesn’t go to my appointments with me anymore because I simply have too many. There’s no way he can. I like to say I’m strong enough to handle news like this but each time it takes a piece of my soul. This is where you doubt everything… including the professionals. I despise the internet.
It’s hard not to have a Sliver of Hope that they’re wrong.
I’ll hang on to that for Friday’s ultrasound and let you know.
While driving home and going through the early stages of grief, sadness, anger, etc I was following this van who:
a) was driving unbearably and annoyingly slow
b) was rubbing her perfect, happy, healthy family in my face with those ridiculous decals
c) I don’t think the police officer sitting on the side of the road would have appreciated the irony of my road rage
d) when I finally got the opportunity to pass her there was a sign on the side window that said “baby #5 on board!”
I wanted to ram that damn van like I was in a demolition derby. Of course I wouldn’t. I know it’s not her fault. Then I realized I’m positively going to hell because while she slowed to turn and I gently went around her mom-mobile guess where she was turning in to… CHURCH! Yep. Hell. But at least it made me laugh.
UnicornuateAdventures 